Well Lord I am still struggling tremendously. I am just in this funk that I have no idea why I have it or how to get rid of it. I do feel as though each Monday morning it gets a tad bit better than the week before. I just want to be happy with where we are at in our loves right now and I just cannot get there. Please give me the strength to make this week the week that I feel normal and happy again. Jason has been so patient and understanding with me. I truly have no idea how or why you have blessed me with such a magnificent man to spend my life with. I think about that so many times when I know that I am not being the best wife that I should be for him. I am not sure that I was really there for him this weekend with it being the one yr anniversary of Ema's death. I was feeling very selfish and wanting to have this Mother's day be one of joy. I have only had one mother's day that was joyful and fun. I am not sure that Mother's day will ever be the same for me now. That makes me really angry. Selfish I know but angry all the same.
Last weekend we had a great conversation with Karen's dad about the experiences that I have had with hearing what I thought was evil saying my name at the house several months after Ema's death. His response to me was how do I know that it wasn't you God?! Is that not the craziest thing that you have ever heard? Why would you actually talk to ME??!!! Am I truly even worthy of that? Today's message was talking about Samuel and how he had heard someone call his name 3x but it was not Eli that was calling him. I had no idea that there was a story actually in scripture of this happening. It made me start thinking well who am I to think that it wasn't you that was coming to tell me something. Wow did I miss an opportunity or was just hearing you the opportunity that I was supposed to have? I also questioned whether I would have been so terrified if it was you and not something evil. I decided that yep I would have still been terrified!! I have no understanding as to why you presented yourself in that way at that time and I am guessing that I am not ever going to. Lord please take away the fear that I feel. Help me to continue to feel your love more than ever. I do not like to feel the way that I am. Consumed with thoughts of things that I don't want to be thinking. Please lift them from me and take them away. I beg for you to do this. I give all of my fears worries and whatever else it is that is going on to you. I am ready for everything that you have ready for me and my family to do. I am here to glorify you and the kingdom. Lord I am also asking that you would open all flood gates of opportunities for Jason and I with our finances and employment in San Antonio. I have gotten your message that I need to be ready to give Jason the opportunity to not work for pay but to be working for you! I got that message although hard to swallow I got it and I so want to make that happen for him. I want the fire and passion that he has inside you to be let out and I want him to be able to go forward like he never has before with everything that you have laid out for his life. If this is what you want for us Lord then please make it very clear that this is what you want for us. We are ready!!!!!!

Hey God I know that it has been a bit but don't think that you have not been in every thought that I have each day. I have been struggling with a lot of things lately. My momentum with my weight loss has come to a screeching halt. I have maintained but wow I felt like I was making so much progress and was doing what I should be doing and then came the week of the move. I felt so out of control and scared although relieved and excited that the next step was happening. I am having a great deal of fear with this move to our current home. I feel as though something terrible is going to happen at this place and that we are going to regret the entire thing that we have felt you have given us to do. Then I start thinking about wow are you just preparing me for something bigger like you did with Ema's death? I don't want to lose Jason or Gabe on this journey that you are taking us down. I say that I don't think that I could go on if I lost either of them but I know that I would. As hard as that is to swallow. I am not sure if what I am feeling is satan trying to distract me or if this is truly coming from you. I am just feeling so out of things and feeling so out of touch with what is going on around me. Lord please give me peace and direction for what it is that you want me to do. I am in your complete control and I am compeltly yours and no one elses. I know that you will protect me from all that is evil and that I will be safe and so will my family. Lord please give Jason and i direction and calm about the position in Bandera. Let us know without a doubt wether that is the place that you are wishing for me to be teaching. Do not that the door even open if it is not what you are wanting for me. This move that we are making in your name is so overwhelming but in such an amazing way. I am so worried that we are going to pick the wrong something make the wrong decisions and then the plan that you had set out for us will not go the way that you had wanted it too. I just want to do what it is that you truly want for us to do for you. I don't want to do something that does not make you sing and rejoice for what we are doing for the kingdom. Lord please give me peace and calm within my heart. I truly know that this move is exactly what you want for us there is no question of that anywhere in my heart. I am scared of what is going to happen in that process what major things are going to be put in front of us that will grow us even more. I just don't want it to be a major person in our lives death. I really think we have proven that we can handle that can you give us something else?!! I know that I am not in control of any of this but I thought that I would just throw it out there :-) Wow I just can't believe that you have chosen Jason and I to be the ones that you want to carry out the journey that you have given us. I hope that we are following through just as you would want us too. We love you Lord and I really hope that you can see that in the steps that we are taking.