Well Lord I am still struggling tremendously. I am just in this funk that I have no idea why I have it or how to get rid of it. I do feel as though each Monday morning it gets a tad bit better than the week before. I just want to be happy with where we are at in our loves right now and I just cannot get there. Please give me the strength to make this week the week that I feel normal and happy again. Jason has been so patient and understanding with me. I truly have no idea how or why you have blessed me with such a magnificent man to spend my life with. I think about that so many times when I know that I am not being the best wife that I should be for him. I am not sure that I was really there for him this weekend with it being the one yr anniversary of Ema's death. I was feeling very selfish and wanting to have this Mother's day be one of joy. I have only had one mother's day that was joyful and fun. I am not sure that Mother's day will ever be the same for me now. That makes me really angry. Selfish I know but angry all the same.
Last weekend we had a great conversation with Karen's dad about the experiences that I have had with hearing what I thought was evil saying my name at the house several months after Ema's death. His response to me was how do I know that it wasn't you God?! Is that not the craziest thing that you have ever heard? Why would you actually talk to ME??!!! Am I truly even worthy of that? Today's message was talking about Samuel and how he had heard someone call his name 3x but it was not Eli that was calling him. I had no idea that there was a story actually in scripture of this happening. It made me start thinking well who am I to think that it wasn't you that was coming to tell me something. Wow did I miss an opportunity or was just hearing you the opportunity that I was supposed to have? I also questioned whether I would have been so terrified if it was you and not something evil. I decided that yep I would have still been terrified!! I have no understanding as to why you presented yourself in that way at that time and I am guessing that I am not ever going to. Lord please take away the fear that I feel. Help me to continue to feel your love more than ever. I do not like to feel the way that I am. Consumed with thoughts of things that I don't want to be thinking. Please lift them from me and take them away. I beg for you to do this. I give all of my fears worries and whatever else it is that is going on to you. I am ready for everything that you have ready for me and my family to do. I am here to glorify you and the kingdom. Lord I am also asking that you would open all flood gates of opportunities for Jason and I with our finances and employment in San Antonio. I have gotten your message that I need to be ready to give Jason the opportunity to not work for pay but to be working for you! I got that message although hard to swallow I got it and I so want to make that happen for him. I want the fire and passion that he has inside you to be let out and I want him to be able to go forward like he never has before with everything that you have laid out for his life. If this is what you want for us Lord then please make it very clear that this is what you want for us. We are ready!!!!!!