Well Lord I am still struggling tremendously. I am just in this funk that I have no idea why I have it or how to get rid of it. I do feel as though each Monday morning it gets a tad bit better than the week before. I just want to be happy with where we are at in our loves right now and I just cannot get there. Please give me the strength to make this week the week that I feel normal and happy again. Jason has been so patient and understanding with me. I truly have no idea how or why you have blessed me with such a magnificent man to spend my life with. I think about that so many times when I know that I am not being the best wife that I should be for him. I am not sure that I was really there for him this weekend with it being the one yr anniversary of Ema's death. I was feeling very selfish and wanting to have this Mother's day be one of joy. I have only had one mother's day that was joyful and fun. I am not sure that Mother's day will ever be the same for me now. That makes me really angry. Selfish I know but angry all the same.
Last weekend we had a great conversation with Karen's dad about the experiences that I have had with hearing what I thought was evil saying my name at the house several months after Ema's death. His response to me was how do I know that it wasn't you God?! Is that not the craziest thing that you have ever heard? Why would you actually talk to ME??!!! Am I truly even worthy of that? Today's message was talking about Samuel and how he had heard someone call his name 3x but it was not Eli that was calling him. I had no idea that there was a story actually in scripture of this happening. It made me start thinking well who am I to think that it wasn't you that was coming to tell me something. Wow did I miss an opportunity or was just hearing you the opportunity that I was supposed to have? I also questioned whether I would have been so terrified if it was you and not something evil. I decided that yep I would have still been terrified!! I have no understanding as to why you presented yourself in that way at that time and I am guessing that I am not ever going to. Lord please take away the fear that I feel. Help me to continue to feel your love more than ever. I do not like to feel the way that I am. Consumed with thoughts of things that I don't want to be thinking. Please lift them from me and take them away. I beg for you to do this. I give all of my fears worries and whatever else it is that is going on to you. I am ready for everything that you have ready for me and my family to do. I am here to glorify you and the kingdom. Lord I am also asking that you would open all flood gates of opportunities for Jason and I with our finances and employment in San Antonio. I have gotten your message that I need to be ready to give Jason the opportunity to not work for pay but to be working for you! I got that message although hard to swallow I got it and I so want to make that happen for him. I want the fire and passion that he has inside you to be let out and I want him to be able to go forward like he never has before with everything that you have laid out for his life. If this is what you want for us Lord then please make it very clear that this is what you want for us. We are ready!!!!!!

Hey God I know that it has been a bit but don't think that you have not been in every thought that I have each day. I have been struggling with a lot of things lately. My momentum with my weight loss has come to a screeching halt. I have maintained but wow I felt like I was making so much progress and was doing what I should be doing and then came the week of the move. I felt so out of control and scared although relieved and excited that the next step was happening. I am having a great deal of fear with this move to our current home. I feel as though something terrible is going to happen at this place and that we are going to regret the entire thing that we have felt you have given us to do. Then I start thinking about wow are you just preparing me for something bigger like you did with Ema's death? I don't want to lose Jason or Gabe on this journey that you are taking us down. I say that I don't think that I could go on if I lost either of them but I know that I would. As hard as that is to swallow. I am not sure if what I am feeling is satan trying to distract me or if this is truly coming from you. I am just feeling so out of things and feeling so out of touch with what is going on around me. Lord please give me peace and direction for what it is that you want me to do. I am in your complete control and I am compeltly yours and no one elses. I know that you will protect me from all that is evil and that I will be safe and so will my family. Lord please give Jason and i direction and calm about the position in Bandera. Let us know without a doubt wether that is the place that you are wishing for me to be teaching. Do not that the door even open if it is not what you are wanting for me. This move that we are making in your name is so overwhelming but in such an amazing way. I am so worried that we are going to pick the wrong something make the wrong decisions and then the plan that you had set out for us will not go the way that you had wanted it too. I just want to do what it is that you truly want for us to do for you. I don't want to do something that does not make you sing and rejoice for what we are doing for the kingdom. Lord please give me peace and calm within my heart. I truly know that this move is exactly what you want for us there is no question of that anywhere in my heart. I am scared of what is going to happen in that process what major things are going to be put in front of us that will grow us even more. I just don't want it to be a major person in our lives death. I really think we have proven that we can handle that can you give us something else?!! I know that I am not in control of any of this but I thought that I would just throw it out there :-) Wow I just can't believe that you have chosen Jason and I to be the ones that you want to carry out the journey that you have given us. I hope that we are following through just as you would want us too. We love you Lord and I really hope that you can see that in the steps that we are taking.

On Wednesday evening during the first Wednesday service wow did I ever feel your presence. I have struggled since Emilia's death with how I was always so hard on her and I honestly just did not like her. She made things between Jason and I very tense when she was around and she made things more difficult than they already were between her mom and dad. I always just had such a sense of anger and hatred toward her for all of that. When she died I felt relief and then I felt guilt for feeling the relief. Your not supposed to feel relief when someone dies it is supposed to be sad and empty feeling. That is now how it felt to me. Feeling like that made me feel like I was a really cold and heartless person even though I never looked at myself in that way. Since her death I have noticed that I have taken some of that anger and turned it towards victoria. Not sure why I am doing that there are really not a whole lot alike. Anyway.....that was really causing me concern that I was going to start this whole thing all over again. On Wednesday night while praying I felt you there holy and completly. I feel as though you were bringing me a message from Ema or you were just telling me I am not sure how that works. I kept saying please forgive me please forgive me Ema I am so sorry for the way that I was to you please forgive me. I was crying and at some point I felt this huge weight lift off my shoulders like she was there saying I forgive you Susan let it go. It was an amazing feeling. I felt a complete difference this weekend when Victoria was here and how I was towards her. It was such a better feeling not being angry with her. Thank you God and Ema!
Lord the dream that I had I think I know what you are trying to tell me but then I don't think I know. I get that I need to be praying for people and I do that. I am just not sure if there is even more to it that you were trying to tell me it has just been such an overwhelming thing to deal with. I am still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that you actually spoke directly to me in a dream. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! What have I done to deserve that?? Wow that is just such a big deal. I mean I know that it isnt for you but wow for me it truly is. I am wondering do you come to me because of my asking for forgiveness and that gave you an opportunity to come to me. I guess that I am being a bit too human on this one. I am trying to make sense of something that is not suppossed to be made sense of. It is exactly what it is although I don't really know what that is but I trust that you will show me.
Lord thank you for bringing Sue and Ed into our lives wow what a blessing they are. The fact that we have found them and they had a place and wow just all of that I really feel like you had that all mapped out for whatever the reason is that is how you wanted it.
My time is almost over for the week so I better wrap it up. Please Lord keep guiding us on this adventure of moving to SanAntonio. We are now on the next step of finding jobs for both of us one for Jason that will still allow him to come to Oregon with us and a teaching position for me at a school that will be my home to me that I will feel welcomed supported and respected. One that i will be given the tools to become an even better teacher and be able to take on leadership roles and responsibilities. Lord please be with Matt I am not sure what may be going on but I feel as though he is needing prayer. Be with him and his wife through whatever struggles they may be having and Lord just bless them larger than they could have ever imagined. Lord keep watch over Kevin at Imagine Fellowship and his family. Guide Kevin to make the hard choices and decisions that he may have to be facing. Guide him and show him in a way that he has no doubt of exactly what it is that you would have for him to be doing. In all this I pray. I love you!!!
AMEN

First ramblings

So this is my first blog post although I have thought about writing one for several weeks. On most Sunday evenings I am given about 2 hours to just be alone with some quiet and most times that means time with God. I think this is the 4th week that I have had this time. The first 2 weeks were so powerful and amazing. I really felt GOd talking to me and it just felt awesome. Last week and this week I have just not had those same major moving feelings. I guess that is how it goes sometimes with our relationship with God and well with everyone in our lives. I am not sure if that is a good thing or not.
Since our feelings of moving to San Antonio happened back in the fall I have felt so close to God and it just feels awesome to be able to do what it is he wants us to do. I am so excited about the opportunities that he is giving us to be faithful and spread his word. This move out of all my moves has been the most peaceful and stress free. Although it carries with it the most to get done. There is the house to sell and jobs to find all at a time when no one is leaving there job and homes just aren't selling. But after 45 days on the market the home has sold and Jason has an great lead on a possible job and I feel headed in the right direction as well.
I know that I am rambling through this but that is sort of how I feel today. Kind of all over the place, tired, and just cranky. Strange way to feel when God has been blessing me and my family with all these amazing opportunities. I am really not sure what is going on. Pastor Brian talked today about what your red sea is. I was thinking and thinking about that and figured out that mine is my weight. I try and try, well sort of, to lose the weight but I always do something to sabotage my progress. I love the progress but at some point I decide that it is getting to much and too scarey and I make bad choices with my eating. I truly do not know what the block for me is that does not allow me to want to be thin. I keep reminding myself that this is the temple that God has given to me and that I need to take care of it. But on some days that doesn't even break through for me. While I have been writing this I am just getting more and more angry and I really have no idea why. I feel so frustrated and just mad and I really really wish that I knew why. So mad that I just geel like I want to cry. I just don't know what is going on. So I just prayed that I would get some direction on what the heck is wrong with me. Maybe it is that I am just tired and really not looking forward to getting back into the same ole same ole after spring break tomorrow. Also going to boot camp which I am not all that excited about either. Yeah there we go back to the weight thing! ok so this blog thing is not turning out at all like I had thought that it would. Oh well I am sure there is a reason for that. So until next Sunday....