On Wednesday evening during the first Wednesday service wow did I ever feel your presence. I have struggled since Emilia's death with how I was always so hard on her and I honestly just did not like her. She made things between Jason and I very tense when she was around and she made things more difficult than they already were between her mom and dad. I always just had such a sense of anger and hatred toward her for all of that. When she died I felt relief and then I felt guilt for feeling the relief. Your not supposed to feel relief when someone dies it is supposed to be sad and empty feeling. That is now how it felt to me. Feeling like that made me feel like I was a really cold and heartless person even though I never looked at myself in that way. Since her death I have noticed that I have taken some of that anger and turned it towards victoria. Not sure why I am doing that there are really not a whole lot alike. Anyway.....that was really causing me concern that I was going to start this whole thing all over again. On Wednesday night while praying I felt you there holy and completly. I feel as though you were bringing me a message from Ema or you were just telling me I am not sure how that works. I kept saying please forgive me please forgive me Ema I am so sorry for the way that I was to you please forgive me. I was crying and at some point I felt this huge weight lift off my shoulders like she was there saying I forgive you Susan let it go. It was an amazing feeling. I felt a complete difference this weekend when Victoria was here and how I was towards her. It was such a better feeling not being angry with her. Thank you God and Ema!
Lord the dream that I had I think I know what you are trying to tell me but then I don't think I know. I get that I need to be praying for people and I do that. I am just not sure if there is even more to it that you were trying to tell me it has just been such an overwhelming thing to deal with. I am still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that you actually spoke directly to me in a dream. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! What have I done to deserve that?? Wow that is just such a big deal. I mean I know that it isnt for you but wow for me it truly is. I am wondering do you come to me because of my asking for forgiveness and that gave you an opportunity to come to me. I guess that I am being a bit too human on this one. I am trying to make sense of something that is not suppossed to be made sense of. It is exactly what it is although I don't really know what that is but I trust that you will show me.
Lord thank you for bringing Sue and Ed into our lives wow what a blessing they are. The fact that we have found them and they had a place and wow just all of that I really feel like you had that all mapped out for whatever the reason is that is how you wanted it.
My time is almost over for the week so I better wrap it up. Please Lord keep guiding us on this adventure of moving to SanAntonio. We are now on the next step of finding jobs for both of us one for Jason that will still allow him to come to Oregon with us and a teaching position for me at a school that will be my home to me that I will feel welcomed supported and respected. One that i will be given the tools to become an even better teacher and be able to take on leadership roles and responsibilities. Lord please be with Matt I am not sure what may be going on but I feel as though he is needing prayer. Be with him and his wife through whatever struggles they may be having and Lord just bless them larger than they could have ever imagined. Lord keep watch over Kevin at Imagine Fellowship and his family. Guide Kevin to make the hard choices and decisions that he may have to be facing. Guide him and show him in a way that he has no doubt of exactly what it is that you would have for him to be doing. In all this I pray. I love you!!!
AMEN